Mentally Ill

In honor of mental illness awareness week, I wanted to share this glimpse of my experience with you.

What comes to mind when you hear the words “mental illness?”

It’s an unspoken rule fueled by our society: you just don’t talk about it.

Mental illness is not a title that many claim willingly. It has been stigmatized and shamed in our society, creating a strange aura about the subject.

I have a mental illness.

Typing those words sends shivers up my spine.  Something inside me rejects the idea that there could be anything “different” about me.

But there is, and I’m tired of feeling embarrassed and ashamed by it. I want mental illness to be something that we talk about.

So here it goes!

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what is real and what is fake?
in our minds we make
stories
stories that we tell ourselves
over and over
they become our realities
a story
that becomes
a worry
a worry that turns into a story

mental illness blurs the line
between reality and fiction
don’t trust your convictions
blindly
-they could be wrong-
kindly
remind yourself
that brains shape reality
and brains can get hurt, too
but they don’t bleed
instead they lead you
down
down
down
a path of suffering
making life a living hell
don’t make me S P E L L
it out for you …

my pain is real
because i believe in it
thoughts deceive
and i GRIEVE
the pain makes me insane
or do i feel pain because I’m insane?
i can’t remember. what happened?
was it all a dream?
but it seemed so real
the things i feel
are real
and they will steal
my
joy.

a source of power
changing by the hour
too strong to beat
where is that place where fantasy and reality meet?
somewhere between our brains and our bodies and our world.
do we let it unfold?
Should we live in a fake reality that we create
or do we take
control?
from who?
is it a happy delusion?
maybe that’s the key
if you believe
it makes you happy …
but are you really free?
NO.

what’s real and what’s not?
the argument is fraught
we can’t control or predict the plot
or can we?
who’s right, them or me?
they can’t see
they think it’s just me
but my BODY
it must be lying
because why would i pretend to be ill?
my pain is real
because it STILL
hurts
in my head
i can’t get out of bed
i dread
waking up
because then
i’m back in a reality
created by my fantasies
and no one understands

 

Related:

A Confession

Anxiety – Avoid or Accept?

My darkest bipolar episode (by Sarah Jickling)

Invisible Illness Is …

 

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